It doesn’t matter what she invents or discovers in the future. Melissa will always be dead to the scientific community.
Melissa, noted pariah in the scientific community, had the gall to show her face this week after breaking the heart of beloved ornithologist Dave, our friend and all-around great guy who really does not deserve this.
Dave, of course, will not stoop so low as to drag Melissa’s name through the mud, which really just goes to show you the kind of guy he is. But that doesn’t matter because we will. It’s what Melissa deserves. We all used to love her but now we see her for what she really is: a love-destroying monster.
“Remember a year ago when we all went to karaoke for Dave’s birthday?” said chemist Pete Morales. “It was such a blast. Melissa sang ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’ including all the ‘sha-bop sha-bop’ parts, and it was so funny. Then this year, what does she do? She dumps him on his birthday! I mean, how heartless can a person be?”
“Apparently she left him for a humanities professor. Humanities! Of all things. I just can’t even believe it. We all thought she and Dave were endgame,” said seismologist Brene Long, shaking her head.
Melissa, if you’re reading this, you should know that no matter what you discover or invent in the future, you will always be dead to the scientific community, so don’t even bother trying. We will always be on Dave’s side, even if he finds love again and gets over this. Also, to be honest, things are kind of tough in the scientific world right now so thanks for giving us someone to pile on.
