Auto-renew your Disney+ subscription or, God as our witness, we will turn each and every one of your precious childhood cartoons into a CGI nightmare.
Bob Ipek, Disney CEO
Disney CEO Bob Ipek has a message for the people of the world, who would be listening up right about now if they know what’s good for them: Give into our demands. What we want, at this time, is for everyone to auto-renew their Disney Plus subscriptions, and to stop saying such mean things about our live-action remakes. Until these demands are satisfied, the live-action remakes will continue.
“Remember how we made you pay 20 bucks to watch a worse version of Mulan that didn’t have any fun songs or a talking dragon? Remember the shot-for-shot remake of Lion King that was a half hour longer than the original? This is only the beginning. Until you do as we say, the world will be bombarded with constant remakes of beloved classics, each more soulless than the last,” Ipek said at a recent press conference, pounding the podium for emphasis.
However, multiple sources who were willing to speak under the condition of anonymity questioned the truthfulness of Ipek’s ultimatum. “It’s not about getting more viewers,” stated one high-up employee. “True Disney insiders know that all company decisions come from the oracle of Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen corpse. That’s why this is happening. That’s why we had to put Rachel Zeigler in a discount Halloween costume and remake a story that is iffy at best. We have a prophecy to fulfill.”
When asked which animated classic would be next in line for the remake treatment, Ipek simply responded, “Whichever one you like the best.”
