If you thought the phoebe bridgers duet was sad, you have no idea.
For the third year in a row, Taylor Swift has teamed up with seasonal depression to fight your SSRI medication. After Folklore and Evermore conspired to bring down listeners’ spirits during the already-bleak pandemic, Red (Taylor’s Version) appeared to finish the job by making everyone think about Jake Gyllenhall for a month straight. But now that your doctor has prescribed a new antidepressant, Swift has returned to counterbalance it.
“I sensed that people were starting to feel joy again after a very long three years,” said Swift. “Not too much joy, but still enough for me to come out with a strong preventative strike.”
Swift fans, expecting some kind of announcement on her sexuality, admitted to being blindsided by a more eclectic album that digs up some old feelings on eating disorders. Melissa, a self-described millennial who has spent most of her free time since the release of Midnights wistfully staring out the window, said, “Are there happy songs on this album? I wouldn’t know. I’ve just been listening to the miscarriage one and the one about dating John Mayer. It’s hard to say which is more devastating.”
Now that she has announced a new tour, Swift fans have the opportunity to emotionally recover from the past onslaught of bummer songs while the singer is distracted from songwriting by performing in sold-out stadiums. Naturally, those who are not able to catch the Eras tour will be depressed. FOMO. In turn, those who are able to secure tickets will have the joy of seeing Swift live tampered by the sadness of how much those tickets cost. No matter where you go, what radio station you listen to, or how much therapy or medication you consume, you cannot outrun her. Taylor Swift will always win.
