Feels like he could have learned to use a pen by now!
England’s new king, Charles III, has his pajamas and shoelaces pressed every morning. “It’s hardly normal behavior,” says an (anonymous) royal valet. “It’s about time England had a monarch that took his eccentric duties more seriously.”
Other servants agree the new king isn’t nearly as eccentric as tradition demands. “Sure, he insists on exactly one inch of toothpaste on the toothbrush, but he’s never tried to make his horse a Duke, or worn a necklace made of teeth,” said one. Another had to leave his highness’s service because of a lack of discipline. “I spilled his organic soup. He didn’t have me beheaded or anything. I couldn’t work under those conditions.”
By all accounts, Charles is a normal royal. He’s out of touch with the lives of regular people and he’s unfairly depicted on TV. But many Brits think England is long overdue for a king that fulfills the need for extreme incompetence and corruption. “We’re only asking what we’ve come to expect,” said one forlorn chimney sweep. “If all he did was swear to bring Robin of Loxley to justice, it would be a start.”
Historian Kathy Sparks notes the pressure of being the third king. “George III willingly went stark raving bonkers, and Richard III likely killed his nephews to get the throne. If you’re a king with a III after your name you have to be seriously deranged to stand out from the crowd,” Sparks said. “This one only goes as far as insisting his cheese is at room temperature. It’s very non-committal.”
Charles also has a lot to live up to compared to the first kings who are his namesake. Sparks noted “the first Charles was executed for being a tyrant and traitor, but this one hasn’t even hinted that God wants him to rule all the earth with an iron fist. The second Charles was exiled to France, but unless this one declares war on Spain or squirrels or gangrene, he might actually live out his days in peace. This kind of behavior is a letdown to a nation just itching for a civil war over succession.”
