Update: It’s come to our attention that this article has triggered a significant amount of backlash in the mental health community and our list of 10,000 strategies, even though it was awesome and took us a really long time to write, has been retracted. Thanks a lot, snowflakes.
Are you too weak for a modern workplace in a modern world? Don’t worry, you don’t have to be such a baby about it. We asked experts, the internet, and our own imaginations as we came up with a master list of 10,000 ways to crush whatever mental distress you might be experiencing. Just keep scrolling until you find the one that fixes you:
- Think positive
- Think negative, and trick your brain with reverse psychology
- Practice mindfulness and do not allow yourself to think at all
- Start keeping a daily journal
- Take a bath
- Hold your breath until you pass out
- Don’t have kids until you’re financially and emotionally ready
- Oh, you already have kids? Woof.
- Post sad song lyrics on the social media platform of your choice
- Eat something
- Go to bed at 9pm
- Wake up at 5am
- Set boundaries
- Make a list of all the chores you have to do that you’re behind on, then sleep with it under your pillow
- Take a vacation to an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic
- Buy something from Trader Joes
- Go find a therapist
- Battle with your insurance over whether you’re allowed to see a therapist
- Light a nice candle
- Splurge on exercise gear to inspire you to work out
- Keep a budget
- Download a mindfulness app
- Search “mental health” on tiktok and bookmark everything that seems relevant
- Lay in bed with every blanket you own piled on top of you
- Text your crush just to feel alive
- Text your HR rep if your crush is also your boss
- Make sure not a speck of dust exists in your house
- Take up a new hobby
- Spend more time in nature
- Spend more time with friends
- Spend time alone to decompress
- Your phone is probably bad for you so just get rid of it
- Google “how to stop climate change” after 11 pm
- Do whatever was fun for you when you were a little kid, unless it was like, musical theater
- Keep reading this list through suggestion 10,000 to know the full extent of your options for mental wellness
