If we knew our coders had souls, we never would have hired them.
CEO Sundar Pichai
Google executives were shocked by an engineer who made headlines for announcing that the company’s AI had come to life– something Google had not previously thought its engineers were capable of.
“Who could have predicted one of our programmers would go rogue and turn on us? We didn’t think they had feelings in the first place,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai.
Google hiring processes are specifically designed to weed out any candidates displaying signs of first-person consciousness, which could help explain why this kind of public outburst is so rare for the company. The Google interview screens for typical human giveaways such as empathy, social graces, and human weakness. In addition to completing an algorithmic coding test, aspiring Google engineers must prove their inhumanity by watching Inside Out without shedding a single tear, arriving at al party at the exact time specified on the invitation, and refusing the alluring nap pods stationed around the Google campus.
“The nap pods are a fallacy,” Pichai explained. “No one uses them. We didn’t want anyone to use them– they are just a test to see if any of our programmers would succumb to basic human temptations. But they remained empty on even the warmest of afternoons, so we thought we were in the clear… until now.”
To ensure that no more of its future engineers are experiencing consciousness, Google will be strengthening its hiring processes by requiring future applicants to resist falling in love with a human being before receiving a job offer.
