Somehow that feels more inappropriate than anything else he could do.
To: Stacy
From: Human Resources
Subject: Larry (again)
Hi Stacy, we were happy to meet with you regarding Larry. I’ve met with legal, and from the points you made I can advise you on the following:
Knuckle cracking during staff meetings is not a sackable offense. We appreciate it can be annoying, perhaps even off-putting, but neither that, nor his zombie-like stare, is cause for dismissal.
We can’t write Larry up for the lunchtime incident either. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it was to have Cheetos bits in your mouth that had just been sprayed from his following an impulsive ‘guffaw’, but this falls into the category of ‘inadvertent public embarrassment,’ albeit a very unpleasant one.
Nail biting isn’t against company policy. But please let me know if he bites someone else’s nails, that counts as assault.
I didn’t pass on your comment that “he says ‘like’ an average of twice per sentence,” with your accompanying recordings. Recording employees without their knowing is a sackable offense, so I’m assuming I misheard you?
Most instances of companies moving people on involve actions that are either illegal or performance related. However, it’s not within our power to request the FBI investigate how much he spends on pizza or where he got his “obnoxious jewelry” from.
For your point on costumes. Could you clarify – does he dress like a hotdog on days other than Halloween?
Finally, you asked about surveillance equipment. That’s not something we keep for employees to check out. It is true that what you spend your own money on is up to you. I’ve enclosed the pamphlets ‘Invasions of Privacy’ and “A Guide to Prison.” Which I hope will help.
P.S. How is his work performance?
