Maybe try shouting, “There it is!”?
Soldiers and barbers are both experts in cutting with sharp objects. And one is standing right behind you, asking you questions. How do you safely respond so that you don’t end up as a meat pie?
These simple rules will keep you from being slaughtered by an upset follicle snipper.
First, remember that they don’t actually want to kill you. Good beautician programs teach students about dull small talk, and the difference between ‘holding’ and ‘brandishing’ knife-like objects.
For you, the customer, the first rule is don’t start a conversation yourself, always respond. If you’re lucky you get to sit in silence and you will walk out instead of being carried.
A good barber will stick to a couple of well tested subjects. ‘What about this weather?’ works at any time of year and your response should be agreement ‘I know right?’
Vacations are a popular topic among experienced barbers. The safest response here is, “I’d love to go to…’ and name somewhere neither of you can possibly go. It puts you both on the same page of wishful thinking.
A good response to keep in your back pocket is ‘I had a friend who…’ thus deflecting any difference the barber may have with your answer to a third-party.
If the barber leaves to ‘get another clipper’ or ‘a fresh towel’ watch out. An upset barber is trained to step away from a heated conversation to take a breath. Upon their return make sure you return to one of the safe topics as soon as possible.
Never talk about a beloved pet. If they ask, it’s because they have a pet story to tell. Let them tell it and commiserate appropriately.
The one area that neither you nor the barber can easily navigate is the mirror showing you the back of your head. If you don’t like it, there isn’t much they can do. Say ‘that’s great,’ even if the angle was wrong and you are looking at the ceiling. The mirror isn’t about looks, it signifies the end of the experience. If you’ve gotten this far, you’re 95% likely to make it out alive.
Visiting a barber is safer than you think. Statistically, you are more likely to be attacked by a shark than your hairdresser. If you both know how to be bland you might both get through the experience without any fear of killing or being killed.
