Hopefully, the convicted Elizabeth Johnson Jr. was in fact a real witch, so she can enjoy her newfound freedom.
It’s official: the last witch in Salem is has officially been exonerated, just 329 years after her death. Which, at this point, it shouldn’t matter whether a dead woman is pardoned by the state or not… unless that woman really is a witch, and is somehow still alive. All in all, it’s more than a little suspicious, and raises a lot of questions about the true motives of lawmakers.
Kim Driscoll, the longtime mayor of Salem, confirmed, “This posthumous pardon raises a strong suspicion of witchcraft among our state representatives. Consequently, our town stands at the ready to execute the entire state legislature if necessary.”
Mayor Driscoll continued, “It’s not like a January 6 thing. We would never fall for a conspiracy theory that our state lawmakers are out here secretly overturning elections. That would be crazy. We just have strong reason to suspect that these men and woman are practicing the Devil’s magic: talking to goats, floating in rivers instead of sinking, that sort of thing.”
It is unclear what possible motive state lawmakers could possibly have had for pardoning the convicted Elizabeth Johnson Jr., other than as an act of solidarity and sisterhood as fellow witches themselves. If Elizabeth was in fact a real witch, she could be alive and preparing to team up with state lawmakers for vague future acts of sorcery, potentially endangering the entire community of Salem once again.
However, Salem has adapted its beliefs to fit in with modern values and sensibilities. The mayor explained that while the official punishment for witchcraft is hanging in the town square, “nowadays we’d probably just shoot them to be quicker about it.”
