“They’re ninja’s and they’re warriors! If the terrain is covered in sponge foam they’re unstoppable.” – President Biden
America is proud of its elite military units. But they can’t go just anywhere. Political treaties and threats of escalation often restrict where they go and what they do.
“When the marines or Delta force can’t go in — that’s when they call us,” said Major General and Head Coach of the American Ninja Warriors (ANW), Steven Baxter.
Until recently, getting the ninja warriors into combat zones where they were in their element was a hurdle. But the United States Army Corps of Engineers has developed a new Ninja Warrior Terrain Deployment Mechanism. “We can turn any street into a sponge foam street in less than a day,” said engineer Sophie McDonald.
“If there’s time, we also set up a classic course, but face it backwards. The enemy must get through a Double Salmon Pass, then we hit them with a Pole Grasper and the rope climb. If we’re lucky, the course deters them enough they never even reach the ninja warriors themselves.”
Not all combat is urban, but the ANWs have their own ANW C-17 Globemaster aircraft. “The Globemaster can deliver a payload of 104 million foam cubes from the air with pinpoint accuracy,” said Baxter. “If there’s no wind.”
ANW uniforms eschew greens and greys of most military uniforms in favor of bold red, white and blue, colors. “Those colors don’t occur in the field as often as you think,” Baxter admitted. “But the plus side is, any passing onlookers that see American Ninja Warriors in action, in uniform, are more likely to cheer them on, and that’s a valuable boost to performance.”
In fact, the only worry the ANWs have is the clock. “They are go-getters; they hate waiting around for longer than the length of a commercial break,” Baxter said. “They tend to start running spontaneously but burn out quickly, and around the two-minute mark just stop whatever they’re doing.”
Baxter says the ANWs stand ready to play their part. “Bring it on,” he said, “We will defend to the last rec center!”
