Happy birthday, you freaking idiot!
Last year, you promised yourself that you’d take your personal info off Facebook before the big day arrived. Last year, you were a liar. You thought about it once but couldn’t log in on your phone since you forgot your password, and resetting it felt like way too much work. Today, you reap the grim fruits of your inaction. Your internet anxiety and social anxiety have teamed up for the annual birthday bonanza.
It’s all too much. You don’t know how to deal with the fact that people are still out here on the internet writing sweet messages on your Facebook wall that you never check. Messages that you know you will never respond to, much less reciprocate, which fills you with sharp guilt and also a dull sadness that you could live the rest of your life without ever seeing any of these people in person again. As long as the internet exists, you will never know peace until you can renounce the modern world and go live in the forest—if only for one day a year.
Your blood pressure spikes as you read the thoughtful well-wishes:
“Happy birthday! Hope you’re doing well!” – Your former lab partner from biology 101
“Happy birthday!! I still remember how excited your parents were when you began their parenting journey. They were so in love with you!” – Your mom’s best friend from college
“Happy belated birthday! Sorry, I missed it!” – You don’t even remember who this person is, which hurts you all the more.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, end this vicious cycle of loving birthday attention once and for all. Do not put this off another year!!! I mean it this time!!!
