“Is it collusion to all agree to raise our prices together?”
“It is??”
“Well, then we didn’t do that.”
-said each of the heads independently.
In a Congressional hearing this week, leaders of Shell, BP, and ExxonMobil, wobbled onto the House floor in a giant trenchcoat to provide testimony that they have never colluded to raise the price of gasoline. Accusations of price gouging have come since the Russian invasion of Ukraine, where gas prices at the pump have risen along with record corporate profits. At first, the executives appeared as one giant 10-ft tall person, but after Speaker Pelosi pointed out this looked suspicious, they rearranged as a regular 6 ft tall person with two humps.
Throughout the hearing, it was unclear which of the executives were intended to act as the voice for the trenchcoat person. When asked if any of the companies had colluded to raise gasoline prices, all three spoke at once, vehemently denying the allegations. When asked how much money they had personally made in the last six months, none of the three heads made a peep.
When asked to define “collusion,” the heads said, “Is it collusion to all agree to raise our prices together? It is?? Well, then we didn’t do that.” They then continued, “Ouch, Marvin, you’re squishing me!” “No, Bernard, YOU move. Honestly, this is worse than the time we tried camping in Mallorca.”
The meeting concluded with Congressional republicans reassured of the independence and neutrality of the oil and gas industry. Congressional democrats remained convinced of foul play and decided to send a strongly worded tweet about the matter.
